Audrey Drew

Is it better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all? Some state solemnly this seemingly wise notion to inhibit the pain brought on by loss, but in all honesty, what good does this simple statement do? None. Only remind us that we did love and we did lose. It’s like when individuals advise against living with regret. These two notions clash terribly. One can’t help but regret a lost love. It’s as though human beings throw a phrase into the wind to curb any pain on the rise. I will say this, words cannot remedy a broken heart. Words cannot dissolve regret. One cannot live a life convenient theory to convenient theory and expect to wield an impenetrable shield against all the stings of life. Reality cuts right through silly notions, however dense they may seem. Pay no heed to standard maxims, create your own tenets.

There was an instance in my life where I knew everyone else to be mad, though I was very well aware of how unstable my own mental state was at the time. Everyone had an ulterior motive. Words they spoke, acts they committed, all laced with this underlying desire to benefit themselves and leave others unaware and broken by the wayside. I trusted no one, least of all myself. I don't say this to complain or to agitate, but simply to shed light on the happenings and ways of the past. Whatever I did, however I may have presented myself, it was all driven by this uncertainty, a hard stone of apprehension fighting with my longing to recognize the good in people and have that be that. In the end, the stone won and began to not only influence but wholly dictate my thoughts and actions. Remarkably enough, I've learned to put most of the suspicion behind me. However, one pessimistic aspect remains; trust, my trust at least, isn't merely handed out. My trust is earned.

I wonder at the injustice of this world. Life's not fair; that's a given. But I suppose it's with what demeanor you choose to take on this fact that makes a difference. Attitude is everything, or so they say. I agree in most cases, yet there are times when a breech in disposition, I feel, is not only appropriate but necessary to one's sanity. I am under no illusions that tears shed can breathe life back into what was lost, but it's not about reversing it anymore, simply mourning a faltered existence in the hopes of looking to a brighter future.